Covey describes the maturation process as the move from dependence to independence and finally to interdependence. The power of interdependence is frequently missed by most people who read his Seven Habits book as they focus on memorizing the actual habits themselves, but interdependence is perhaps one of the most powerful and difficult principles to put into practice.

The maturity model from the Seven Habits book takes us from a state of dependence to independence, and from independence to interdependence. What are these states, and what does any of this have to do with maturation? Isn’t maturity being “grown up”, paying your own bills, not acting like a child, and working for a living? Not exactly. According to Covey, that is half of the journey.

Dependence

The first state of maturity is dependence. In this stage, we need others to do things for us, and we expect it. When we are two years old, no one could possibly fault us for needing mommy and daddy to pick us up and carry us, pay our way, dress us, and change our diapers. However, as we age, this sort of behavior is expected to be replaced by independence. And on the surface, we succeed in becoming more independent.

We rebel against our parents wishes, we argue with authority figures in our lives, and we go to the bathroom alone and without assistance. But in so many ways, without really realizing it, we fail to become truly independent. Instead, we adopt some surface features of the more obvious ways to become independent, and then we leave some of our less obvious dependencies in place.

Examples of dependence in adults?

• Expect others to tell you what needs to be done
• You didn’t ask, so I didn’t do it
• Assume evil or stupid intentions of others without asking or researching
• Believing what comes out of the TV as absolute truth
• Expecting your boss to be your backup when you are on vacation
• Always having an excuse for being late, not performing, etc
• Expecting to escape consequences or others to be held back to avoid highlighting your failure to perform or even try
• Anger when potential, unpromised bonus payouts do not materialize
• Expecting others to tell you the limits and the rules instead of finding out for yourself
• Expecting others to clean up behind you
• You didn’t get the job because of racism, sexism, or some other excuse other than your poor interviewing skills and underqualification
• Everything is someone else’s fault
• “It’s not fair”  (these words should be a firing offense)
• Saying “My husband/wife won’t let me” instead of “I don’t want to”

Dependency in adults is brutal and pervasive. One might even say it is pernicious - but that’s just me, I like that word. Dependency is everywhere. Thirty-something “children” depend on their children’s grandparents to help pay for their home to avoid having to live in their actual socio-economic circumstances they have earned. People say that there are no jobs and ask for government hand-outs even though plenty of jobs are available - they just don’t want a job that requires that much work. Even people making six figures in corporate offices will sit around the water cooler complaining about management’s evil intentions without ever bothering to ask why a decision was made or why it was executed the way that it was.

Dependence is easily understood, and highly visible everywhere you look once properly defined. At any point if it seems like parents would have been the solution if the person were two years old, then dependence is the problem.

Some people actually leave behind most dependence in their lives and become independent.

Independence

No need for a long explanation here: You do things for yourself, you realize you are to blame for your current situation and that you have made choices that put you here and that you continue to make choices that leave you here. You are responsible and accountable. You own your problems and your successes.

And, you tend to prefer to work alone and get things done yourself.

Independence is better than dependence, because at least it is not an immoral taking from and blaming of others. But, there is one final step to take before you have really made it to the final level of maturity.

Interdependence

In this stage, you are not afraid to ask others for their input and expose your weaknesses. Rather than try to accomplish an impossible project all by yourself, you reach out to others for help. You delegate to your employees and let their work stand with their names on it. You reach out to your coworkers for their input, realizing that delivering the solution alone with only your name is selfish glory seeking and will not be all it could be with the help of your friends and even your enemies. You begin to realize that you need relationships as well as responsibility to survive.

Examples of interdependence in action:

• At the staff meeting, you announce you have a problem. You describe it for your coworkers in front of your boss, and they make suggestions for solving it while you write them down. This requires you to make yourself vulnerable and expose your weaknesses, but the help you get is usually really good.
• You are assigned a huge project, and you don’t know where to begin. You call a meeting with your coworkers and ask them for suggestions. You meet with your employees and ask them for help as well. You delegate out control of the project to a top performer and let them keep their name on it.
• At your staff meeting, one of your employees disagrees with you strongly on one of your policies or procedures. You hear them out fully, and ask if others feel the same. Rather than shooting them down to teach them respect for authority, you consider their remarks and perhaps even change course. You credit them with their ideas.

I could think of many others. Interdependence is very difficult to achieve. Patrick Lencioni has created quite a career for himself writing books which have interdependence as the solution to so many management problems that those at the very top of the foodchain face in their day to day lives.

If you want to be the best you can be, you will need to ask others for help - not as Tom Sawyer did by getting them to do the work for you - but in surrendering control and glory in exchange for what’s best.

This is a very, very difficult thing for someone who is an achiever to do. But those who do reap huge rewards and are seen as “team players” (in case you ever wondered what that really means in an office).